Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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