She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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