I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
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Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
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But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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