I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
