did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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