Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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