dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
