I murdered the dance floor call the cops
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
