Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
