turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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