I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
