Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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