While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
