I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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