They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
