i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
