He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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