we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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