maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
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i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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