Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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