At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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