I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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