The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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