Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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