Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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