pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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