So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
