I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
