OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
