When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
