no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
