I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
