I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
