worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
