pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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