i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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