Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
