I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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