My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
