i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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