does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
