I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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