Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
