Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
