i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
