we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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