i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
