we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
His hands were made for my vagina.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
They left me at home... I'm a liability
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
