look no pants
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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