There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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