i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sorry about my life...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
