I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
