I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
