my vag is so smooth its legendary
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
