Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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