she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
