1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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