i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
