I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
