The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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