Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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