she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
