Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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