I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
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Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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