im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
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Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
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He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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