So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
