Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
