Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Randomize
